


Love is for Children

by GlassRose



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 05:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2456618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassRose/pseuds/GlassRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha disagreed with the first person who told her that love is for children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the characters but as the author of the story I do not want this posted anywhere else without my explicit permission.

She's pretending to sleep, but she can feel his eyes on her, can feel the way the mattress dips with his weight on his elbow. It was amazing, and she needed it, but now he's going to get ideas he can't afford to have.

She gives up pretending and opens her eyes. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

His face stretches into a gentle smile. "Should I not?"

"Clint," she says, rolling over and sitting up, "you know this was sex, right?"

"I actually do know what sex is, yes," he says brightly.

She rolls her eyes to hide a smile. "I mean that and nothing else. We had sex. It was fun."

"You haven't left yet," Clint says, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "I'm counting that as a win."

"Don't do this," Natasha says, looking away. "Don't get ideas."

"It's not like you to dance around words with me, Nat." He sighs. "No, I know what you're saying. Thing is, I've had ideas for awhile now. Whether you feel the same or not, I can't just turn it off." He scoots across the bed and sits beside her.

She doesn't look at him. "Love is for children. It makes you vulnerable. It's a sickness, makes you stupid and careless, and we sure as hell can't afford that. You know we can't."

Clint doesn't speak for a minute, but when he does, he sounds sad. "Who told you that?"

"Oh, god forbid I think for myself," Natasha snaps.

"You know I didn't mean—oh come on, it sounded like you were reciting something, or remembering something, or…something."

She gets up and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door.

"That went well," Clint says, flopping back on the bed.

It's a rare moment that Natalia Romanova lets herself fall apart like this, falls against the wall and sinks down, trying not to cry. It's only Clint Barton on the other side of the door, and the dumbass would no doubt hold her and whisper nonsense in her ear to calm her. It makes Natalia sick to realize how badly she wants him to.

_"Love is for children," he said as he pushed her against the wall. "It makes you weak."_

_"You're full of shit," she whispered, tearing at his shirt._

_"It's a disease, and once you're infected, it never quite goes away," he insisted as she attacked his neck with her mouth._

_"You know this?"_

_"I—" He pulled back, frowning. "It lingers."_

_"You don't know who, do you?" She caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry."_

_"If they took the memories from me, it was only to make me stronger," he said, knowing she would see through him._

_"I don't believe that," she said coldly. "I am stronger than they ever thought I would be. And I love you."_

_"Natalia, don't."_

_"Vanya," she said, a dangerous smile on her face, "it will always linger."_

_He let out a strangled sob and threw her onto the bed, kissing her fiercely, metal hand ripping her clothes._

Natasha Romanoff shakes off the memory. She's spent so much time figuring out what's Natalia and what the Red Room gave her, but now, faced with feelings she knows Department X would never have sanctioned, let alone implanted or encouraged, she's still afraid. There's no use remembering him, because he can't be saved. And falling in love with Clint, well, that's beyond stupid. If Clint wants to compromise himself that way…that's his business.

Except.

Except that behind all the fake personas and the shit the Red Room gave her that she's had to dig out and compartmentalize for when it's useful—if she's even got it all, it's hard to tell some days—Natasha is _lonely_. When she lets herself feel for even a minute, it engulfs her. The isolation, the desperation for something to hold onto, something like she had with _him_ , who doesn't even fucking remember her.

Her hand drops to her abdomen, tracing the scar he left the last time they met. But Clint…Clint would never do that. SHIELD doesn't erase people's memories, not like that. Clint is safe. Safe as she's bound to get, anyway.

She trusts him, which is more than she can say for anyone else in the whole goddamn world. Also, he's nice. For a guy in the business. She doesn't owe him an explanation, but she sort of wants to give him one.

She unlocks the door and opens it. Clint's still lying spread-eagled on the bed, so she takes advantage of the position by curling up against him, head on his shoulder. "Sorry," she says quietly.

"For what, exactly?"

"Projecting my shit onto you."

"Nat," he says softly, "our lives are full of shit. You don't have to apologize. I get it."

"The man who told me that...his name was…now that I think about it, I don't know his real name. I called him Vanya. He was my teacher. He was the one who told me love is for children. So, naturally, we became lovers."

"Was he good to you?" Clint asks. He knows enough about the Red Room to be wary of anyone there.

"He was the only person to show me any kindness when I was there. I…I was in love with him. I think he loved me, but there was someone in his past he couldn't let go of. Even he didn't know who. They thoroughly destroyed his memories. I think that he was an American."

"Do you really think love is for children?"

"I think it's easier for children. Vanya and I made plans to run away, to go to America and get married and leave everything behind. But it never happened. Before we could, they put him back in cryostasis and two years later I just…I took the first hand offered to me. I was so goddamn miserable without him. And of course last time I saw him, he left me this." She gestures to her abdomen scar and Clint tenses.

"The Winter Soldier?"

"He didn't know me, Clint. I left him behind and I can't save him. I don't know if there's anything left to save."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not still in love with him. I'm not pining. I just feel like I failed him."

"It's not your fault."

"Maybe."

"Nat, you can't save everyone. You gotta heal yourself first, and then remember you were probably the only person to show him any kindness there." Clint curls an arm around her, stroking her back. "Feel free to punch me if I'm overstepping here, but are you punishing yourself for abandoning him?"

"What?" It's bullshit and she knows he knows it's bullshit. She knows what he's asking. She's going to make him say it anyway.

"Not letting yourself have nice things, Nat. Or even beat-to-hell things."

"Beat-to-hell things, Clint, why whatever are you talking about?"

"God." He sits up, sighing. "Look, I don't want to try and talk you into this because A, dudes who have to talk people into dating are gross, and B, I could never talk you into anything you didn't want to do. I just kinda wanna talk you out of talking yourself out of…I mean, it seems like you like me, we just had…and it was really good, and you tell me stuff, you know, which I know doesn't mean…. Fuck. I'm sorry. I just—I really want to try."

Natasha doesn't answer, but she does gently push him back down, pulls the covers up and turns off the bedside lamp. When Clint wakes up in the morning, she's still there.

He hopes that's an answer.


	2. Epilogue

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR PHONE?!"

Clint winces. "Um, nice to see you too, honey?"

"WE COULD HAVE USED YOUR HELP, YOU KNOW!"

"I was in deep cover on the other side of the world," he says defensively. "Which you know about, even though it turned out to be a dud mission and by the way, I got my ass royally kicked, barely made it out alive, so, it's nice to see me, I think."

Natasha advances on him but he stands firm, hands on hips. The glare softens suddenly as she grins. "Yes, it is," she says, flinging her arms around his neck and dragging him down for a kiss. "I almost died too."

"Stop doing that," he says fondly.

"You guys are so weird," Tony remarks as he joins them in the lounge. "So now I've got almost a full set of Avengers, but I'm missing the one-of-a-kind Captain America. Where is he?"

"Doing exactly what I told him not to," Nat answers. She turns to Clint and says, "And easing my guilty conscience while he's at it."

"Oh?" Clint asks.

"He's going after the Winter Soldier."

Clint frowns and Tony drops his phone. "Why?" they ask simultaneously.

"Apparently true love is for 90-some-year-old men too," she says, smirking as she reaches behind the couch for the Bucky Bear she knows Darcy stashed back there yesterday. She tosses it to Tony. "You should think about a new line of these with a silver left arm."

He catches it automatically, gaping. "You—but—wait—he?"

Natasha's hand closes around Clint's wrist. "Come on, soldier, time for bed."

"It's one in the aftern—oh. Wait," he says, following her, "the Winter—your ex—Steve's dead BOYFRIEND?"


End file.
